Sunday, April 8, 2018

How to recognize a toxic friend

Trust me when I tell you I've had my fair share of toxic friends.
And we must have them at one point to learn how to recognize them and avoid comitting to these friendships in the future. 

When I was 11 years old I remember making friends with a girl in horsebackriding class. She was very nice in the class, but the first time I made it to her home and we were by ourselves she turned into a very bossy young lady.
And that playmate I had in primary school kept dumping me right after my birthday party, to come back only 2 months before my coming birthday.

While these were innocent first introductions to a 'toxic friend' and may not come close to adult life, I've had more serious situations than this one, like getting away from a narcissistic personality who's out to ruin your life if you upset them.  

First they lure you in with their charasmatic personality and then one day they change overnight.

Here's how to recognize a toxic friend

Only on their time schedule

They can only make time for you when it's convenient to them. They don't really care if it's a good time for you.
And mostly they stress how important it is for them that you show up right away. They put pressure on you and give off that vibe like: if you don't show up right now, you are not my friend. Often done subtly though, trying to play on your guilt. 

The endless drama

They  make a big deal out of everything and their life a never ending soap opera of turbulent events.
You know what I mean?
The partner just dumped them, turned out the ex was a serial cheater with OMG their other gal pal. Work is a disaster because a coworker stole their project idea. How dare they! They are trying to drop more weight, but it just don't work because with the busy life there is no time to cook healthy meals and the gym is a place where they don't feel good because the instructor is always checking them out.
The stories of their drama have no limit and no end. 

Sometimes you even start to wonder what is true. 

They bring you down

When you showed up to oblige their needs as the time ticks away you feel drained and tired by then end of the night. It's like they are vampires and sucked away all of your life energy. They are deeply negative.
Or quite the opposite. 

They are charismatic and upbeat and make snarky comments with a smile on their face. "Awww, don't you look cute? It is a beautiful dress. If you drop a few pounds I am sure it would look even better. But very cute it is!"

The incidental reward system

One of the reasons we stay in this relationship is because they have limited time periods where they act like they are your best pal. You are their world, moon, sun and stars.
They give you gifts and make you feel like you are important in their world. 

The incidental reward will make you feel like maybe you were too harsh with your thoughts and they appreciate you after all. But it is a vicious trap to us staying in something where we don't belong. 

They gossip... a LOT

If you find anyone that is always sticking their nose into other people's lives, and talking about others: best believe they will do that about you. How people treat others is a pretty good indication of how they will treat you.
Beware the gossipers.
And do not tell them personal stuff about yourself.


They make it clear from the start: Mess with me, and you will deeply regret it...

They will say this or something along those lines.
When they do say this, do me a favor and trust them on their word.
We are talking about someone who will actively ruin your life once your friendship is over.
They will make you look bad, try to break up your relationship, or try to turn people on you. 

Trust me, I've seen it happen so many times.

As I come to the end of this blog, I will give you one final tip if you've gone into deep with a toxic friend.
Play your cards smart. Feel the situation and anticipate on it for your own emotional safety. Don't drop them like a ton of brick, but make yourself unavailable as time passes and don't share your personal things with them.

Have you had experience with toxic friends?
Feel free to drop me a line about what you did.




  1. This is a super important article, and I am glad you wrote it. It's important that awareness about this issue is raised. Xx

  2. Thank you! I really felt the need to write this.

  3. This post is so important. It always is quite hard to recognize then admit that a friend is toxic. Thee will sure help. But yeah, a true friend does not take you down all the time! xx corinne

    1. I completely agree corinne. A real friend should never be putting you down on any ocassion. Friends are supposed to be our support system. Sometimes it's painful to admit when a friend is a toxic one. You feel like you've invested so much

  4. It’s so important to recognize toxic people and get them out of your life! Nothing good ever comes from someone else dragging you down and it’s way better to get away from them than try to tolerate them. Awesome post!

    1. Yes yes and yes! I feel that many people stay in toxic relationships because they think they don't deserve better deep down. But I think they always do than to be mistreated like that

  5. I've also had my fair share of some toxic people. Can definitely relate with the warning signs!

    1. Can't tell you how many times I've heard the line: 'mess with me and you'll deeply regret it' When I hear it, I run for the hills.

  6. That is good. Sometimes it just happens that you outgrow something and you move on with your life. Things cannot stay the same anymore. Thank you for stopping by Bexa :)